I’m not a relationship guru a therapist or any trained relationship consultant by any means so I can only speak from experience and hope that you can relate. Despite that fact that sometimes I don’t take my own advice, (well just shoot me then, I’m human duh!) I’ve been known to give some pretty top notch advice according to the people around me.
As I began to contemplate my life and my failed relationships after watching First Wives Club, I must say, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to experience love and heartbreak because the lessons that come from that is incredible. My best friend, thinks I’m troubled because, I actually love the process of heart break. Okay let me rephrase that because that sounds kind of MAD.
I actually appreciate the broken hearted “Me” better then me – being in love, because of where my mind is at. The bounce back is phenomenal and I’m not talking just about physical glow up. Its always caressing to the ego to get a, “Hey stranger text from the ex’ but I’m talking about the mental glow up for, self. My ambition level goes from 70 to 100%. It inspires my creativity. Think about it.
If there were no heartbreak, some of the greatest songs ever written might not even exist.
The last time I had a REAL broken heart where it took me a whole year to heal was probably 3 years ago – my first love.
So from the clarity I’ve gained over the last couple of years and the peace also knowing that I made the best decision regaining control of my life and leaving all those years ago. I haven’t EVER allowed anyone to have that much control over me after that heart break, I guess that’s why I can’t think of a most recent heart break to date. You’re probably thinking so you haven’t dated anyone after? Well, Obviously you start seeing people and dating people, and of course they hurt you or disappoint you but it’s always been like a little bruise to me, in about 1/2 weeks I’m over it. I’m like Deuces and peace out but a real heart break to me , is like surgery or C section for me when I’m TRULY heart broken. I can’t function properly for month. Well its the last heart break I can remember, where I was truly hurt. You’re out for like 6 weeks straight or in my case more. Thats the difference.
Lord, I don’t know how divorcee do it. Honestly. And you hear about woman that are like I’ve been divorced 4 times and married again. My fifth marriage.
I love you Kim, but you actually have to be the face for this one. You still fly.
Come again? Sorry?
That’s a strong woman right there. So many failed marriages can actually break a woman, but she found love so tot to her.
After watching The First Wives club, if you have not watched it. Please do. Best woman revenge movie EVER because she just gets her SHIT together and uses her heart break to build a empire for woman who have been in similar heart break situations. I felt inspired and impelled to write this post
I thought I would share the top 10 lessons you can ONLY learn by getting your heart broken… and I mean really broken.
For those of you still struggling to ban that pesky ghost of relationships past from your social media and phone and life. Perhaps this will give you the courage and the gumption to do so, one and for all.
- First impressions are everything. Those little red flags (or giant red flags) you see waving ever so subtly in the breeze on day one will be massive stop signs by day 100. I promise you. My ex had an obsession with his social media platforms. Social media was another aspect of his life that I had to accept along with XBOX and all his other issues. At first it was cute how he would also be posting and communicating with his so called fans but after a while, our whole relationship was based on social media. And he would spend more time speaking to his fans “girls” and communicating with his fans than communicating with me. How could I expect any less when in the beginning – social media was a huge part of him. By picking up the signs in the beginning I could have saved myself a whole lot of DRAMA!
2. How they are in life = How they are in love. My ex was irresponsible, immature, completely emotionally stunted, and unable to stick with ANYTHING in life. He was the most indecisive person I have ever met in my life. Why on earth did I ever think he could commit and change for ME?
3.When you ask God to remove anyone from your life who doesn’t belong there with complete and total sincerity, be prepared for Him to DO JUST THAT. But I discovered over the years that you can’t say this prayer halfheartedly or while still clinging stubbornly to the person or even the IDEA of the person. You have to really, really mean it. It is only when we are REALLY ready to surrender the thing that God steps in and takes it from us. Why? Because sometimes we have to truly feel the weight of the burden (like a dead relationship) to gain a full understanding of what the freedom of surrendering to Jesus feels like when we finally let the burden go.
4. Chemistry does not and should not outweigh character. What do I mean by this? My ex and I were never lacking in the chemistry department. EVER~ I
- So much so that I’d see lightning bolts and shooting stars I saw when we kissed. Omg that sounds like a song lyric lol
- Chemistry can only take you so far…but it’s much like someone handing you a beautifully wrapped box that’s empty. It doesn’t matter how good and attractive and appealing the exterior looks if there’s absolutely nothing going on beneath the surface.
5) Sometimes, ladies…we simply need to experience crappy guys. (And for the guys, sometimes you need to experience crappy girls.) Why? Because it’s often only after being treated really poorly that we learn how to stop allowing ourselves to be treated poorly. That we learn how to set standards. That we learn how to love ourselves too much to stay with someone who doesn’t love us enough. Sometimes we need that swift kick in the proverbial pants to boot us into the next and greater and better chapter of our lives…a chapter in which we will never again settle for someone who makes us feel, well…crappy.
6) You can do everything right and still end up in the wrong place, with the wrong person. That’s just life. During the final saga of me and my ex, I have never been so proud of how I handled a relationship. I wasn’t clingy. I wasn’t needy. I didn’t make demands or whine or pout or manipulate or fall into any of those negative patterns that are so easy to fall into when in a relationship with a toxic person. I was open and vulnerable and invited God into the relationship with us and prayed for my ex constantly and consulted God at every turn. Not because I’m perfect, by any means. But because I truly wanted with all my heart for the relationship to work. But just one person fighting for the relationship will never be enough. Eventually you will buckle under the emotional weight of fighting all alone. And it was never going to work, no matter how hard I fought for the relationship, because he was the wrong person. You can be the right person all day long but if you’re with the wrong person…nothing you can do will save the relationship. I’m grateful for the experience, though, regardless of how it turned out. It taught me about the kind of person I want to be in relationships…and it taught me that I am capable of being that person.
7) Love isn’t blind. Love sees your flaws and inadequacies and imperfections and loves you anyway. And love never, ever uses those things against you or cites them as reasons not to be with you. Love is too busy loving the stuffing out of you to even pause to dwell on the flaws. Love recognizes that we are all a little banged up and broken and bruised by the rolls and punches of life and that does not make us unlovable. In fact, I daresay the fact that we are all those things yet still believe in love makes us all the more lovable.
- A person who really, truly loves you will always show up for you. They will meet you halfway. Sometimes even more than halfway. Love, as the Bible says, covers a multitude of sins. It doesn’t hesitate or doubt or pause on the shore…it jumps in to meet you right where you’re at. And then it hangs on through the wind and waves and turbulence and refuses to let go just because things get a little uncertain or stormy or shaky. You will never have to exhaust yourself to chase love, manipulate love, force love, beg for love, or even ask for love. Love will be the first one in the door and the last one out. LOVE SHOWS UP.
8) When it’s over, it’s over. Let it be over. Stop trying to resurrect it. Stop bring it back from the dead. Stop arguing with God about why you should still have it. Stop worrying about what went wrong or torturing yourself about what you could have done differently or better. There is nothing you could have done differently or better. You can’t turn the wrong one into the right one, no matter how hard you try. Take a deep breath, and let go. Cry. Grieve. Give yourself time and space to feel the loss. Acceptance and grace are key here. Allowing yourself to mourn the end is key here. The relationship mattered. Your feelings for the other person were real, and they mattered. Your heartbreak is real, and it matters. But it’s still over. Let it go. And when you’re ready…really ready…try again, with someone new. Don’t allow the loss of one relationship or one broken heart stop you from trying again. Always be willing to try again. Love is worth the risk.
9) You are stronger than you think you are. You can, and will, survive the end of this relationship. And you won’t just survive…you’ll be better and stronger and more fabulous for it. (Even if you can’t see it now.)
And that’s it. Ten things you can only learn by getting your heart broken. I’m sure I’ll think of more, Feel free to add your own lessons learned to the comments below.